signs

I am a bit worried about writing this post as I know it could cause much controversy, but I am writing it as a reminder to myself and I pray you may be blessed by it.

Butterflies have became very special to me. They remind me of my baby Erica Faith, because her room was all decorated with them (walls, crib ...). At her funeral I wore a butterfly necklace and I got another one, just because it was a settle reminder of her (but my sister gave me a necklace with her name on it and that is the one I wear now all the time). But any ways, you get the picture... butterflies became special to me.

Well, very soon after my baby died, I went to this park with some friends, and there was this butterfly that came to me only and flew all over me. It flew inside my hands as I am trying to cover my face, as I am shocked by the boldness of it. It stands on me over and over again. Of course I burst into tears. Since then, there have been a few experiences like that, of butterflies come and stand on me.

Not long ago, the Lord was merciful to me and gave me peace as He graciously has done in the past. And as I visited the grave where the body of my baby lays (even the marker we chose has butterflies in it), all I could think of was: she is not here! her body is here, but my baby is in absolute complete satisfaction, that she needs nothing! not even me! She does not see me, she does not think of me, she does not misses me or hopes to meet me. All of her needs are perfectly met by the Lord. What a beautiful thing that is! To also, look forward to that day, where I will also need nothing, or no one! not even her! For some this may sound mean or cold, but to me, it gives me great hope and joy.

Last week, the same happened with a butterfly fluttering all around me and stood on my head and flew all around my face for many minutes and my mind went right into the "signs" mode. Is this a sign of God giving me to remind me of her, is this an act of a loving God to give me a little of her? And then, I had to stop myself and look at my Lord and remember what His Holy Word says: God is enough! And then I saw this "experiences" as something I was enjoying, something dangerous to hold on to. Because God has been enough, I need no sign, I need nothing other than His precious word to sustain me.

Satan is very crafty, even using God's creation to play with my emotions, knowing that I am in a vulnerable position. Knowing that he can distract my attention from the One who sustains me and strengthens me, and the only who gives me peace and instead, put my hope in "signs" that I can easily find all around me and depend on them instead of depend on God alone.

So, I thank God again for His mercies towards us. For His peace and for the great confidence of His sufficiency. For the future hope and for the great gift of not needing signs to know that He is enough and to know He cares for us.