Oh! how hard I find it to write this post...
I am afraid to write what I feel, and afraid not to write what I feel.
There are so many emotions rushing through me, that I find it very hard to put it into words... No one really understands what I feel, what I am going through and the excruciating pain I constantly have. People say it will not go away, but you will learn to live with it... It hurts so much, I cannot even imagine it possible to live with it.
I miss my daughter. Yes, she is with the Lord, but my limited brain cannot see that far very often... I want her now, kiss her little cheeks and dress her in tiny dresses... I wanted to hold her hand, give her baths, comfort her when crying, hear her laughs, see my sons live the dreams they had with her (they were going to be such great big brothers!!)... to see my husband so tender with his little girl... and now... I have no baby to nurse, no diapers to change, no tears to comfort but the ones of my boys that miss her so much and my tears that seem to have no end.. and an empty crib.
I had so many dreams and things I wanted to do with her. I have been dreaming about our life together since the moment I knew it was a girl. My dear Erica Faith... How much I miss you!!! I hardly knew you and yet I cannot live my life without you! Turning to God sometimes makes me miss you more, and not turning to Him, it is an impossible thing, because I need Him to get me though it every day!
All the dreams I had with Faith, were things like: cooking together, playing "mom" with her and her dolls, seeing her in those cute dresses that her closet is filled with, cuddling with her, eventually, do charity work with her, learning to be a mom of a daughter and seeing my boys playing and holding their little sister, as well as my dear husband being a dad of a girl... I saw how sweet he was going to be! And something I need to remind myself of, is that all those things, were just for us.... but now, I still can do things with her!... every time I come to the Lord and worship Him with prayer, we are worshiping our Lord together. She is there with the Lord alive and well, happy all day in His presence worshiping all day, with no tears of sadness, no cramps, not ever hungry, she never had to deal with our shortcomings, our sin, her sin, her heart, her temptations... and yet, we can worship together until the Lord will have the sweet re-union with my sweet little Faith.
I will learn to live with this, I will miss her every day... I will think of her every day of my life... since it was marked for ever as: before and after Faith came to our lives. But it will be marked I pray, as the day my heart and the heart of my children was changed to love God the more.
If the Lord in His perfect wisdom wanted me to be the instrument to bring her to Him, then may the Name of the Lord be praised. What a comfort it is, to know that this pain I feel today, and every tear I have shed for her, will be traded for joy on that day when the Lord brings me to Him. And longer than my sorrows will be, the joy will last for ever. I prayed for a baby, and He gave us one!, One daughter for eternity.
As I read not long ago, sorrow should not surprise us when he shows up.. we should be expecting it, and be ready when it comes. Being able to say: "I have been waiting for you, and I have prepared my self for the day when you show up". Sorrows will be part of this life, now I know... but as it may seem that sorrow has won a battle, I see this as a victory!.. because he lost against my Lord, my daugther is saved by grace alone and the more the trouble comes, the more God's grace, mercy and glory is manifested. His fame only grows bigger and His work in us perfectioned.
May the Name of the Lord be praised, and lets run the race with perseverance and wait patiently until that day, when our bodies will be resurrected and we'll meet with the Lord and with those that have gone ahead of us ... you'll meet my sweet girl Faith and ... we'll sin no more!
I love you Faith!