Do I trust You Lord?...
Do I love You?... You know I do. You know how much I love you, and yet fall so short.
Do I REALLY trust Him with the things I love the most? Do I really believe He is good? or do I try to do it on my own?
I thought I trusted Him... until He challenged me once again in my love and trust for Him. I know He is Sovereign and does as He pleases, He does not need my "OK" or permission. He does what He wants and nothing can stop Him.. How much I love that! ... How much I rest in that truth, and yet, I have been praying for this one thing that I want the Lord to do Sovereingly .. and yet He has not done it. Why? I just got it!, after many years I think I got it!
He is working in me... and showing me that in this particular area, I rather God do it, than me deciding, because then it would involve my decision... something I cannot make. But in his sovereignty, He is working in me.. not using His sovereignty as an engineer uses a machine, but as a father working in my heart, and showing me that it is in these areas, that I need to trust Him. Believe that He is good... really good. That He wants to sanctify me and make me like Jesus... and my heart needs to be change in my life! And if He wills, it will come to pass.
OH my Lord!!! You, only You know the deepest thoughts of my heart!, Only You, know how much it is a struggle.. and yet, you have been gracious enough to work in me.
Oh my Lord, how much I love you!!! How much I desire to do Your will, and to be purged of all that is in the way. How much I hurt to see that I have not trusted in You alone.. that I have kept this area to my self, thinking higher of myself even higher than You Sovereign Lord!!
Help me dear Lord, help me to love you more, help me to search my heart and not hide behind my sin. Help me to trust You... I want to trust You above all things, even those things that I love the most.
Help my unbelief.. help me in this area that my heart fear so much.
You know how dear this is to me, and yet You have required of me to love You above all things, and treasure nothing more than You.. how incredible hard are some battles of the flesh and the heart.. how hard to yield my will to Yours. And how foolish at the same time it is for me to hold on to this, when You, and I know, are so good!
May Your will be done... and in the process... please, sanctify my heart. Please make me clean of this and as You work in me, ...that I may die, so that You may live in me the more!