Affliction

Affliction, we all know, is a word that many experience at different times in their lives, and  at different degrees. Pain that for every circumstance and for every person feels very different. But one thing is sure, God loves His people so much, that He let us be hit by affliction in this world that we may hate it. To remind us that as shiny and pretty this place may seem, it is broken. There is nothing to cling to that will last, nothing so precious and perfect as Him. And in this, we may be sanctified. Affliction brings humility... it leaves nothing to boast about, but in Jesus Christ, specially when when people see the strength that is clearly not yours, but His. When you so desperately need Christ to be enough. When there is no hope but in the hope that He gives you every morning. When you see His mercies every morning and His faithfulness at nights, it humbles you again in gratitude.

When you feel like you hate the pain the affliction has caused you, it serves as a reminder of sin, and what sin causes, the pain, the tears, the hurt, death, the consequences, the broken dreams, ... and with this, helps you hate it, helps you want to get rid of it all... get rid of those precious sins that we treasure, those that we cling so dearly...... they are not lovable, they are just poison in pretty bottles!

Oh! that with time I don't forget this lessons! , that I may not forget and start clinging to sin again!, that my heart will truly hate sin for good and love what is holy more! It is so easy to forget, so easy to get busy with the vanities of this world and forget not so much the "how" affliction was brought to you, but the lessons and the humbleness, and the tenderness to hear and beg every day for God's mercies, depending on Him... for your next breath, for your next hour, for the next day, for the next week, for the rest of your days! I have now a scar on my belly, that serves as a reminder of the pain that we went through, BUT also, serves as a reminder of how God was so merciful to us, his providence, His love, His comfort, His patience, His teachings, the perseverance that He is giving us though this... As the Israelites used markers as reminders of the work of God for the purpose that they may not forget and they could tell their children and their children's children of the work of their God, so is this scar in me; so I can tell the generations after me, that the Lord is good!, that He is faithful and tell them about Him with confidence, because I know Him.

Time is one of God's mercies to help heal, but also, if we do not heed to His teachings and are like a quick fire that burns big but extinguishes quickly... our suffering may be in vane. But I pray, that this fire will last. I pray that no distractions will come in the way or that when they come, God will tenderly remind me of how He was sufficient for me in the time of trouble, that He will remind me of his love, His faithfulness, His teachings and that He will bring me to this place of need often, that I may not grow cold in my love for Him.

With the death of someone so dear and close to you, it is a blessing every year, every month, every time that the day of the death comes, to come to the Lord and ask to be reminded again about the reason we should die to ourselves and have more of Him and less of us. Oh what a providence of God that is! A painful providence! A providence of love!

Oh!, the wait of the day, when the exchange of tears for joy and fear for peace will happen! Oh! what a hope! what a blessing to put our eyes on that day, on Him who will make that precious exchange. 

My Faith

Oh! how hard I find it to write this post...

I am afraid to write what I feel, and afraid not to write what I feel.

There are so many emotions rushing through me, that I find it very hard to put it into words... No one really understands what I feel, what I am going through and the excruciating pain I constantly have. People say it will not go away, but you will learn to live with it... It hurts so much, I cannot even imagine it possible to live with it.

I miss my daughter. Yes, she is with the Lord, but my limited brain cannot see that far very often... I want her now, kiss her little cheeks and dress her in tiny dresses... I wanted to hold her hand, give her baths, comfort her when crying, hear her laughs, see my sons live the dreams they had with her (they were going to be such great big brothers!!)... to see my husband so tender with his little girl...  and now... I have no baby to nurse, no diapers to change, no tears to comfort but the ones of my boys that miss her so much and my tears that seem to have no end.. and an empty crib.

I had so many dreams and things I wanted to do with her. I have been dreaming about our life together since the moment I knew it was a girl. My dear Erica Faith... How much I miss you!!! I hardly knew you and yet I cannot live my life without you! Turning to God sometimes makes me miss you more, and not turning to Him, it is an impossible thing, because I need Him to get me though it every day!

All the dreams I had with Faith, were things like: cooking together, playing "mom" with her and her dolls, seeing her in those cute dresses that her closet is filled with, cuddling with her, eventually, do charity work with her, learning to be a mom of a daughter and seeing my boys playing and holding their little sister, as well as my dear husband being a dad of a girl... I saw how sweet he was going to be! And something I need  to remind myself of, is that all those things, were just for us.... but now, I still can do things with her!... every time I come to the Lord and worship Him with prayer, we are worshiping our Lord together. She is there with the Lord alive and well, happy all day in His presence worshiping all day, with no tears of sadness, no cramps, not ever hungry, she never had to deal with our shortcomings, our sin, her sin, her heart, her temptations... and yet, we can worship together until the Lord will have the sweet re-union with my sweet little Faith.

I will learn to live with this, I will miss her every day... I will think of her every day of my life... since it was marked for ever as: before and after Faith came to our lives. But it will be marked I pray, as the day my heart and the heart of my children was changed to love God the more.

If the Lord in His perfect wisdom wanted me to be the instrument to bring her to Him, then may the Name of the Lord be praised. What a comfort it is, to know that this pain I feel today, and every tear I have shed for her, will be traded for joy on that day when the Lord brings me to Him. And longer than my sorrows will be, the joy will last for ever. I prayed for a baby, and He gave us one!, One daughter for eternity.

As I read not long ago, sorrow should not surprise us when he shows up.. we should be expecting it, and be ready when it comes. Being able to say: "I have been waiting for you, and I have prepared my self for the day when you show up". Sorrows will be part of this life, now I know... but as it may seem that sorrow has won a battle, I see this as a victory!.. because he lost against my Lord, my daugther is saved by grace alone and the more the trouble comes, the more God's grace, mercy and glory is manifested. His fame only grows bigger and His work in us perfectioned.

May the Name of the Lord be praised, and lets run the race with perseverance and wait patiently until that day, when our bodies will be resurrected and we'll meet with the Lord and with those that have gone ahead of us ... you'll meet my sweet girl Faith and ... we'll sin no more!

I love you Faith!

His sovereignty

                                  

The doctrine of the Sovereignty of God is probably the doctrine that has impacted me the most. I learned it as an adult and it transformed my way of seeing life, Christ, His work, my life, my trials, every area of my life was dramatically changed by this doctrine. And with it many other doctrines became so precious to me.


There are many great books that explain this doctrine with such clarity and grace, that I feel very humbled to write about this, but in my attempt to write about it, I’ll try to explain just the areas where God has dealt and is dealing with me at the moment.

Understanding that God is sovereign, is a beautiful thing when all your life you thought you had some control over your decisions, future, salvation,... but resting in this doctrine, brings rest and learn to trust in God completely. Knowing His character and believing that His will is perfect and does not need me to decide but strips me naked of all pride and the feeling of “I know better”. I loved that “power” of having some say in my future and decide myself what was “best” for me in my own eyes. How little I thought of God and how high i thought of myself!

This old doctrine (new to me) came like a rock on my head. Hit me hard and it took me 2 years of tears and study of this doctrine and to learn to trust in the Lord and that He is good. Even though I thought He was good, I wanted to have my input in all things. Trusting my will better than my Lord’s. But trusting in Him alone and resting in Him, was very hard. He showed me my condition before Him. My view of Him changed from just a friend, to someone indescribable beautiful, bigger and more magnificent than I ever thought of Him, and yet at the same time, closer to me than ever, because I understood how this Incredible omnipotent (in all the extent of the word) came down from heaven for a sinner like me, and extended mercy with such tenderness ... and still is patient with me, every day.

What a rest to know now, that He is in control, over every aspect of my life! That my life is in His hands and I need to worry about nothing. That if He wills something it will happen. That no one can resist His precious will. And me, a woman who can’t decide between 2 flavours of ice-cream, thought that I was capable of deciding on my salvation. When I change styles and tastes way too often, when my sins are not conquered and even though I want to do right, I sin. This woman thought to have a better plan than her Creator. But now, God has opened my eyes that I might see... I see His desires are better than mine. That He makes no mistakes and that I can trust Him. I am still learning to trust Him, I have a long ways to go, but I have hope in His work in me. I have hope that He will finish the work and He will not get tired or give up.

My trials and temptations are seen different now. I sin against my Holy God and yet He is merciful to me. And with every trial and temptation, He teaches me more to be like Christ granting me repentance and pain in my heart when I offend Him. Problems, are not just trials, are blessings that this Sovereign Lord, has set before me to mould me and transform my character; to prepare me for Heaven so that I might enjoy Him and find it ALL in Him alone.

Raising my kids, the relationship with my husband, everything has a different perspective! The Lord all mighty is in control. He does not just know what is going to happen, but has spoken what is to pass to do His will. My husband is a gift from God, given to me as he is and me to him as I am to be changed to be like Christ, so complaining had to stop, because I understood by His grace, that I was complaining against God. And instead, my love for him increased because I saw him, not as a rock on my way, but as a beautiful gift from God. He has stripped me of things that I cling on to, for the purpose of His glory. That I may die to myself and that He may increase in me. Some of those things He purged me of, I cherished more than my Lord without knowing it. But He did. And been a jealous God, He was not going to be shared with my vanities. So He purged me and purges me often, of all the things I love, so I love Him alone.

I am 7 months pregnant now with a daughter after two godly boys (10 and 12 years old) and having her now in my womb has been a gracious gift from god to us. We, who had “control” over my womb, were stripped from it too. It was an act of trust in God to trust in Him in this. It was such a hard battle for many reasons. It had so many inconveniences and a terrifying fear that God would not save her. But even in that, the Lord has taught us in a loving manner, that HE IS GOOD! That I need to trust in Him even in this, that His will is perfect. And now, every time she moves inside of me, my eyes tear up with the joy of having a little daughter inside me, raising a young woman for Him, raising her to be a godly lady in an ungodly world. Knowing His Sovereignty, helps me rest assured that He is in control over her. And my only job is to obey, as a faithful servant obeys her master.

Oh, how precious doctrine. How precious and hard to receive by many. How difficult to die to self and see God as a Creator and owner of my soul. But once the Lord opens the eyes and all of a sudden you can see, it shames you to see how much pride there is in you. Maybe that is why is so hard to receive it. I have so much to learn and to die; to grow and understand; to trust and obey. But by His grace, I know, that He will guide my steps.

We ARE slaves.

Thank God for my husband. He is quiet and not very expressive, but when he has something to say, it shows me how wise he is.

Yesterday, I was having a "complaining time" about things that were all vane. And then, he started reminding me of all the ways the Lord has blessed us. He mentioned thing by thing. He mentioned things that are very important and even trivial things.. and yet, God has been very faithful. I had to stop talking and listened. My eyes were teary and my shame exposed. I had been complaining, and yet my husband's eyes are fixed on the Lord and what He wants for us.

He explained to me, something that kept me thinking, something that I took to my bed and this morning, the first thought that came to my mind was: God, help me!

I want to share it, because it helped me and maybe it will help you... what he explained, was that at one point, when translating the Bible, the words used for slave, was changed to servant? So when we hear that we are servants of the Lord, really means slaves.

Back then, the word slaves had a clear meaning, everyone knew what the privileges and rights of a slave were... None!, The slave, had no will of his own, just obey his master. So if the master moved houses, the slave followed. If the master wanted him to do something he would do it, no complaining or no decision to be made.  The same way, God is with us. We are not just His servants, we are His slaves! It is a harder word to swallow, but that is God`s Holy Word.

We are His slaves. We do our Master`s will. We have no rights of our own but the ones He gives us. We obey, and He commands. Whatever He decides, happens, without our council or our permission. If He gives us, is grace, if He takes away, it is also His will. If He moves our home town, we follow; if He decides we stay. He decides.

What a change of view that is!. Complaining should be out of our lives... Who are we to complain against our Master? Who are we to say: I don`t like this or that! Why are you doing this? Is He not the owner of our lives? Does He not have the right to do whatever He wants with what is His? (Rom.9)

We are the blessed ones by having Him as our master! That should be enough!. He owns us! He bought us! He loves us! We could be servants of Satan.. How many are there that without knowing, have a master that wants to destroy them and drag them into hell with him!. But us? God bought us!  What else do I want or need?

Oh blessed Jesus! How much I love being your slave! Do with me as You please.

To my daughter!

May she have the faith of Sarah *
May she be as loyal as Ruth *

May she have the wisdom of Deborah always seeking truth *

May her prayers be heard like Hannah's *

May she have the favor of Esther *

May she be a helper like Priscilla always sharing love *

May she have the joy of Elizabeth *

May she have the strength of Abigail *

May she have a heart like Mary always praising God

Father above, bless my little one. May she grow to be a woman of God

 (a song/prayer by Kelly Willard)

Being double minded....

   Some professing Christians, as I have noticed lately, have two standards of living, thinking, the opinions they have, their desires, ... They have a double life without noticing it.

   I want to think it is not on purpose, but is that sense of godliness that is not promoted within many churches today. So when speaking of Bible issues, they have little knowledge of Scripture, but they would agree with most doctrines. But when they are living their every day lives, then they agree with other point of views with out  giving it a second thought  whether it is something that goes according to the doctrines of the Bible or not. They can have an independent - personal opinion outside the Bible.

   For example, on issues of "accept yourself as you are" they take it and agree on it... with out knowing or really understanding that the Lord does not want you to "accept yourself", but to come to the realization that you need a Saviour!. That nothing in you is worth accepting unless He changes you completely!.
Like these, there are many issues that some Christians will have a double opinion, a double standard and a double life.

   I wanted to write this post, as a warning to me first ...and  to you if you want to hear it... to search our hearts.. to see if there is double mindedness in us.

   This double mindedness, has a great hold on many professing Christians today, deceiving them. Making them comfortable in their Christianity and never challenged in their faith. These are often miracle searchers, prophesy hungry people... and/passive Christians that are willing to part with many "opinions" as long as is not too offensive to the church... without realizing that their double mind is more dangerous to the church, than the one loud man attacking directly Christianity.

Oh! Christians of today!... for how long will God be patient with us! When will He say: Enough! Are you not afraid? Have you not heard? Have you learn nothing from the stories written in the Bible for OUR learning? Because your life is easy now, you find you have peace... but, should you not be growing in holiness every day? And yes! It does matter which movies you watch, which music you listen, which words you write on your FB page, which links you press "like", which words come out of your mouth, which opinions you have, which desires you struggle with, which clothes you pick to wear and why you wear them, it does matter what you do with your free time, it does matter whether you pray and study your Bible every day or not... IT DOES MATTER!

It is a matter of eternity!. It is a matter of holiness, it is a matter of either believing in God or not. ALL our opinions, on any given subject, should be based on the Bible...  and the Bible ALONE!

Do I trust that You are Good?

Do I trust You Lord?...
Do I love You?... You know I do. You know how much I love you, and yet fall so short.

 Do I REALLY trust Him with the things I love the most? Do I really believe He is good? or  do I try to do it on my own?

I thought I trusted Him... until He challenged me once again in my love and trust for Him. I know He is Sovereign and does as He pleases, He does not need my "OK" or permission. He does what He wants and nothing can stop Him.. How much I love that! ... How much I rest in that truth, and yet, I have been praying for this one thing that I want the Lord to do Sovereingly .. and yet He has not done it. Why? I just got it!, after many years I think I got it!

He is working in me... and showing me that in  this particular area, I rather God do it, than me deciding, because then it would involve my decision... something I cannot make. But in his sovereignty, He is working in me.. not using His sovereignty as an engineer uses a machine, but as a father working in my heart, and showing me that it is in these areas, that I need to trust Him. Believe that He is good... really good. That He wants to sanctify me and make me like Jesus... and my heart needs to be change in my life! And if He wills, it will come to pass.

OH my Lord!!! You, only You know the deepest thoughts of my heart!, Only You, know how much it is a struggle.. and yet, you have been gracious enough to work in me.

Oh my Lord, how much I love you!!! How much I desire to do Your will, and to be purged of all that is in the way. How much I hurt to see that I have not trusted in You alone.. that I have kept this area to my self, thinking higher of myself  even higher than You Sovereign Lord!!

Help me dear Lord, help me to love you more, help me to search my heart and not hide behind my sin. Help me to trust You... I want to trust You above all things, even those things that I love the most.

Help my unbelief.. help me in this area that my heart fear so much.

You know how dear this is to me, and yet You have required of me to love You above all things, and treasure nothing more than You.. how incredible hard are some battles of the flesh and the heart.. how hard to yield my will to Yours. And how foolish at the same time it is for me to hold on to this, when You, and I know, are so good!

May Your will be done... and in the process... please, sanctify my heart. Please make me clean of this and as You work in me, ...that I may die, so that You may live in me the more!